[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
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Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Had an epiphany today.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣