Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

anyone else like Italian cereal

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.