*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
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Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”