*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
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Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
how much does a mortician urn in a year
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”