*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
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love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.