Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

Breaking news:

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.