Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

Me when someone tries to get to know me

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.