*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
You Might Also Like
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
