*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
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Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs