Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no