Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.