Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.