Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
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Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Fries, not lies.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”