Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
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If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.