Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked