Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

saw this in a dream

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.