Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

Sex so good you see dead people.

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon