[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
😤😤
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Free him
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?