[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
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When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not