[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
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If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
the simulation is moving too fast
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.