@TweetPotato314

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

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@ryaninco

There’s three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.

@Laser_Cat

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

@MarfSalvador

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

@carlyken

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

@supermarkusa

9 months from now the next generation will arrive.They’ll be known as “the Coronials”

@actioncookbook

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

@djdarrellripley

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

@dorsalstream

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.