Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
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Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
There’s three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
9 months from now the next generation will arrive.They’ll be known as “the Coronials”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*
Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.