Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
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Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”