Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”