Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
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her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
won’t smith
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
