Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
This could be us… but you playing
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.