Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

Dumple

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

“That’s what” – She

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

Money is the root of all wealth

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.