Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Interior design 👌

i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here