Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

Best misinterpreted text ever!

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

Received some very disappointing news today

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.