Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
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Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.