Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan