Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
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Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks