Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*