Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.