Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
catch me on valentine’s day like
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.