Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*