Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
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Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”