Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
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“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.