Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

Punctuation Matters. Period.