Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Nice try Hitler

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

Can we not just call it Zealand now?