@dafloydsta

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

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@StevieKnip

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

@KKAlThani

LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN’T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER

@DaddyJew

Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.

@iamspacegirl

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

@TheTweetOfGod

Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.

@PaulyPeligroso

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

@RodLacroix

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

@Sean_Burgundy_

Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?

Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk

@ddsmidt

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

@E_lok44

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.