[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
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do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Owl Sanctuary
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Dammit Chief not again
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!