[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
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LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN’T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER
Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?
Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.