[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
is nasa ok
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers