Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

The Struggle

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.