[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
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My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.