Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

And they lived apathetically ever after.

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.