Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
You Might Also Like
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0