*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
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me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
how it started vs how it ended
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it