*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
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Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*