(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
just make the entire table out of coaster
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.