(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
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The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
