Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

i will not be silenced

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.