Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
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Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?
Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?