Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
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boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.