Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.