Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.