Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.