[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
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As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Feels like there should be a middle ground
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
It’s an epidemic…
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.