Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.