Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

Tell me you get it…🤣

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

They did not miss in the small print

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …