Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”