[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL