Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

be careful

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?