Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

oh good, now I can stop drinking

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

I think about this a lot

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?