*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
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Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.