*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
You Might Also Like
@ candidates for local office
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
no way 😭
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
About to throw up
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.