Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aight bet

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man