Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak