Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

😆this is so true

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.