Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

This could be us but you eatin’

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

look scared

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.