getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
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“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive