Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home