Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
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Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.