Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
#merica
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
