Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
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Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
lmao
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem