Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
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If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet