Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
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My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!