Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
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My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
hey, alexa
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her