Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
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I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
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Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you