Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Basketball
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
