Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
![]()
You Might Also Like
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Children of the corn 🌽
![]()
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter![]()
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.